Reading this piece I experienced a huge moment of clarity. I have a wild heart. Which I have always known. I just didn’t know the word to identify it. I make decisions then change it sporadically again and again. I’m not just a quitter. I am not flakey. I am not any of those labels that people are constantly bestowing upon me when they question my motives. When they say things like, “Why would you want to do that?” or the usual “nice way” of being unsupportive; “Well, if that’s what you want to do . . . “ It’s just the nature of my wild heart.
When people would say those things, I used to want to hide in a hole. I have always been torn between not caring, but hated the thought of being a disappointment. Detaching and hiding are easier than answering a million whys and trying to be confident in explaining my choice. But no matter what, I usually end up doing the crazy thing anyway. Just without anyone knowing, or caring, or having anyone but Darrell in my corner. Sometimes it works out in the end. Sometimes it doesn’t. But hey, that’s life. At least I tried it, learned from it, and I will never have to live with the regret of not knowing what could have been.
After reading that article, I began to have a shift. I began asking myself the ultimate life question before every decision I made. “I only have one life. What does this matter in the grand scheme of it?” Deep. I know. But so important in ensuring that every single decision I make is being true to who I am, to my wild heart.
This morning as I was out picking field greens for our rabbits, I experienced a mental release. During that time of meditation, my thoughts drifted to my dad. I watched him get sick. Then get sicker. Then one day he was gone. He had no more life to live. There is no point in trying to tame my wild heart, I thought. I have one life and then it will be over. So I want it all. I want to take care of the earth and only take from its resources what I need. I want to provide for my family and work side by side with them every single day, even if our bank account is the sacrifice. I want to support my mountain community that I love so much by using my money to shop local and practice quality versus quantity. I want to pack only a backpack full of our belongings, leaving our other possessions behind, and just go. And I’m sure we will one day. I want these things because in my one life, this is what my wild heart desires. In the grand scheme of my life, this is what matters.
I know this whole thing may sound ‘’granola” to most. If you don’t possess the wildness that I’m talking about here, then you won’t understand. And that’s okay. All of us can’t be dreamers. Some of us have to be the doctors and the lawyers, the retail workers and the caretakers. Without diversity, our world would not go ‘round. Wherever your own path leads you, just be proud of your decisions, be you, and remember that you have one life, so live it with your heart.